A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
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[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
“Wait, let me explain..”
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
work smarter, not harder
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.