[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
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Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
When you let grandma cat sit
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.