My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
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I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
asking santa clause for nudes
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there