ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
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A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
If looks could kill
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.