I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
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HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that