“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
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I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
“That’s what” – She
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit