I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
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Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”