Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
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So sick of all these stupid rules
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.