Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
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Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught