If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
You Might Also Like
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.