You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
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911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake