Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
You Might Also Like
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car