Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: đź‘Ť
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If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.