I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Rather alarming headline…
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need