I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
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You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)