[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
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“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”