My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
You Might Also Like
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
cyclists
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*