I don’t know what to do
You Might Also Like
Thanks to a fan for this one!
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
hey, alexa
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs