Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
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my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
no one ever comes back
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
i have one speed and it’s mosey
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.