Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
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Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994