Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
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People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
being a writer on Twitter:
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
This is me
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…