If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
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I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again