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My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I support this random dude and all his protests
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em