Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
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Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.