The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
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I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.