And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
You Might Also Like
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
dictator is short for richard potato
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*