GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
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Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
what could possibly go wrong?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …