5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
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Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Seek kebab; not attention