What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
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I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Just parrot things
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.