Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
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Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.