Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
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ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
How it started: How it’s going:
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.