*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
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CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Well, shit
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”