*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
titanic
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty