Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
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I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Uh oh…
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Tell me you get it…🤣
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.