House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
You Might Also Like
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.