I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
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Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins