Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
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[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire