[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
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[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
*cough*
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
all bases covered
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring