KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
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Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
don’t be scared
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
house sitting!
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants