Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
You Might Also Like
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
My brain is a bad influence on me
The little toadstool has spoken.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.