*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
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I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.