[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
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Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
i baked you a cake
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.