I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
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HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!