I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
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*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever