GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
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Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Lmfao
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag