Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
You Might Also Like
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.