i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
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JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Whisper out to librarians!
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”