A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
You Might Also Like
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Cool shirt 🙂
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato