Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
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Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.