Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
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conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5